Otherwise, this jealousy can escalate into toxic behaviors, like guilt-tripping you for making plans that don’t include them. (“Do you really have to hang out with your partner? My weekend will be so boring without you!”) They might also overstep boundaries by demanding to know where you are at all times. (“Who are you with? Why didn’t you tell me?”) These behaviors aren’t just clingy; they’re controlling, experts agree—and a healthy friendship should never make you feel trapped or obligated to justify your time.
3. They’re pushing for labels or setting intense expectations.
Just like how someone you’ve just started dating might push for commitment way too soon, a friend can do the same. In platonic relationships, love bombing might look like “demanding that you guys are best friends, especially when you’re not feeling that way,” Sbordone says. Or maybe they dive straight into deeply personal, potentially off-putting conversations about past traumas, say, or their rampant sex life—things that with a close bud might be natural to discuss. But with someone you barely know or trust? It can be uncomfortable, inappropriate, or overwhelming.
4. They’re copying your every move.
It’s normal in a healthy, solid friendship to pick up on each other’s habits, slang, and mannerisms without realizing it. That’s just what happens when you spend a lot of time together.
But this kind of influence is gradual and, more importantly, organic—different from a person who’s almost trying to become you. Think “someone who dresses like you, talks like you, starts acting like you,” Murphey says. Maybe you’ve always been into indie music and thrifting—and suddenly your new friend who’s never shown interest before starts listening to your exact playlists and adopting your entire aesthetic down to the smallest details. Or they basically parrot your opinions: Even though they’ve discussed their own dream wedding, they suddenly switch to wanting a tropical celebration…just like yours.
According to Murphey, these forced attempts can be a way to give the illusion of a deeper meaningful bond—as if you’ve conveniently got sooo much in common. In reality, they’re just mirroring you and creating a fake sense of closeness that isn’t based on actual mutual interests.
How to pace a friendship that feels too intense
The key to handling a friendship that’s moving too fast is slowing it down. “It takes time to build memories, experiences, emotions, all of this. None of that happens in weeks,” Murphey says, which is where setting boundaries can come in handy. Depending on the situation, it can be really helpful to voice your needs using “I” statements, Sbordone suggests. (I love talking to you, but I can’t text all day. I don’t appreciate it when you blame me for seeing my other friends, and I don’t want this to cause tension between us.)
In other instances, Murphey explains that it may be time to step back from a friendship that doesn’t feel natural or, worse, is draining your energy and making you feel bad about yourself. This could mean hanging out less, prioritizing other relationships, or reevaluating your dynamic altogether. (Asking yourself these important questions can help you figure out what’s best.)
And look, this isn’t to say hitting it off almost instantly isn’t possible. However, that “bestie” vibe has to go two ways, and no amount of one-sided effort can force a spark that isn’t quite there. Usually, the strongest relationships are built on mutual trust and shared experiences—things that take time to cultivate—not grand gestures or forced intensity.
Related:
Get more of SELF’s great friendship advice delivered right to your inbox—for free.
