Learning how to get better at small talk might not seem like much of a conversational superpower. Arguably everyone’s least favorite part of socializing, surface-level chitchat can be awkward, draining, and impossible to avoid—but that’s all the more reason why it’s a skill worth mastering.
Don’t get us wrong, it’s easy to dread impromptu chats when the usual openers—bonding over the weather, say, or asking about weekend plans—often feel performative, impersonal, and predictable. But it doesn’t have to be that way. “I like to say big things happen in small talk,” Matt Abrahams, MA, a strategic communication lecturer at Stanford Graduate School of Business and host of Think Fast, Talk Smart: The Podcast, tells SELF. With the right mindset, questions, and a few expert-approved hacks, small talk can lay the groundwork for some of the most meaningful connections in our lives—whether that’s making new friends, sparking a lifelong romance, or impressing the hiring manager of your dream job.
Want to learn how to get better at small talk (and actually enjoy it)? Here’s what the best conversationalists do differently—and how they stand out, according to communication experts.
1. Prep a few intentional conversation starters.
Small talk doesn’t just happen effortlessly. Much of the magic starts before an exchange even begins, Alison Wood Brooks, PhD, associate professor at Harvard Business School and author of Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves, tells SELF.
If you’re catching up with an old acquaintance, distant relative, or former colleague you haven’t seen in a while, take a few minutes beforehand to consider what you genuinely want to learn about them. “Think about the last time you were together or what’s been going on in their life,” Dr. Brooks suggests. “Have they been posting about a new hobby? Has their kid tried out for the hockey team? Did they just give a big presentation at work?”
You can also brush up for situations where small talk is inevitable, like before a networking event or a friend’s birthday party. According to Dr. Brooks, a few reliable conversation starters include questions that get the other person excited or optimistic. Read any interesting books lately? Do you have a favorite restaurant in this city? Any vacations you’re looking forward to? “Positive, concrete things are easy upon first impression and lead to good conversations,” Dr. Brooks says, especially compared to complaining right off the bat about the rainy weather, say, or your overpriced drink.
2. Be observant about your environment—then comment on it.
Small talk isn’t just about what you say. It’s also about what you notice. So pay attention to what’s going on in your environment, Abrahams suggests. (What’s the crowd like? What are they wearing? How does the food look or taste?) Then put it to use! A solid conversation starter could be as simple as mentioning how beautiful the wedding venue is, complimenting the live band at a party, or laughing about how absurdly long the coffee shop line is. Chitchat is way more engaging when you’ve found real, natural things to discuss versus sticking with a bunch of rehearsed clichés that make everyone roll their eyes.
3. Throw in memorable (but natural) compliments to leave an impression.
“Good small talkers know how to make people feel comfortable and have a good time,” Dr. Brooks says. “So they might start by giving a compliment.” The key is not to force it—or else you risk coming across as if you’re being fake or kissing their ass. Luckily, being observant comes in handy here too; it helps compliments feel more effortless and specific, whether that’s, “I love your top, where did you get it?” or “Is that your dog on your screensaver? So cute—what’s their name?”
