The best thing to do, according to every expert we spoke with, is to speak up about any concerns before resentment or apathy builds. But according to Theresa Herring, LMFT, a couples therapist at Centered Connections in Chicago, “We live in a society that is so focused on instant gratification, where an affair can present as a quick fix for problems in a person’s life or relationship.” This is often what may lead people to (intentionally or not) fall for someone who compliments them, say, listens closely, or makes them feel seen in a way their SO hasn’t.
4. They’re avoiding vulnerability by blowing things up.
For some folks who’ve been hurt in the past (or maybe never had a close, emotionally safe relationship before), letting someone really see you—flaws and all—can seem risky, even terrifying. That level of closeness, according to Herring, can stir up a lot of fear and anxiety. (What if I get hurt again? What if they leave me once they really know me?)
If you want a deep, intimate connection, you have to be willing to work through that discomfort (ideally with some honest, open communication with your SO, maybe even with the help of a couples counselor). Others, however, may subconsciously try to protect themselves by self-sabotaging or pulling away. “They might think, I’m scared to feel too close. I’m scared of what this might mean,” Herring says. And for some, cheating becomes a way to create that distance—like, If I mess this up before it gets too real, then I won’t get hurt. So affairs aren’t always about desiring someone else: It can be about running away from the vulnerability that real intimacy demands.
5. They’re looking for an easy way out of the relationship.
Another common reason why people cheat, according to Brunner and Herring, is wanting an out from the relationship. When someone’s unhappy but too scared, guilty, or conflict-averse to explicitly break things off, infidelity can feel like a built-in eject button. Basically, a way to force the relationship to end without ever having to say the words “I don’t want to be with you anymore.”
For obvious reasons, none of this excuses cheating—it’s a pretty immature (and hurtful) exit strategy. Because if a relationship isn’t working, the most decent thing you can do is have an honest conversation rather than leaving your SO with the emotional fallout.
Can a relationship survive cheating?
Short answer: Yes—and luckily, “once a cheater, always a cheater” isn’t some universal truth (more on that here).
That said, your chances of successfully moving forward as a couple depend on a few important factors beyond the why, every expert we spoke to agrees. What matters just as much as the reason behind the affair is whether it’s truly over, whether the person who cheated has taken accountability and shown a willingness to rebuild trust, and whether both partners are genuinely committed to doing the hard work—which eventually includes forgiveness.
In many cases, understanding the why behind a betrayal can be an important part of that equation too. “While for some people, cheating is cheating, for others, certain layers can make the betrayal more or less challenging to overcome,” Dr. Le Goy says. It’s not a justification, exactly, but it can be a helpful first step in figuring out whether there’s potential to stay together.
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