There’s no shortage of snide jokes, stereotypes, and less-than-flattering representations of age-gap relationships. Think Bill Belichick and his 24-year-old girlfriend; Leonardo DiCaprio’s infamous dating record that’s devolved into meme fodder; and insulting or objectifying terms like “cougar,” “boytoy,” and “cradle robber.” But what’s often overlooked—or at least, not given as much attention—are the partnerships that actually thrive and defy those tired, one-dimensional narratives.
In reality, age-gap relationships can work, Mindy DeSeta, PhD, LMHC, a Miami-based sex therapist whose husband is 18 years older than she is, tells SELF. (In fact, research has shown that women dating younger partners reported higher levels of romantic satisfaction compared to those with similar-aged ones.) Culturally, we’re starting to see that growing acceptance reflected in movies like Marty Supreme, Babygirl, The Idea of You, Family Affair, and Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy, all of which portray these “taboo” dynamics in a more positive light.
Of course, the skepticism doesn’t come from nowhere. Even between two consenting adults, age-gap relationships can raise nuanced questions about power imbalances, potential grooming, sexism, and other complex issues. Not to mention, even the healthiest of these pairs may encounter unique challenges that same-age duos typically don’t—such as elder care, contrasting maturity levels, and the logistics of having kids. That said, certain factors can help these dynamics thrive in a healthy way. We asked experts (some with their own success stories) to break down what actually makes it work.
1. Find shared interests that transcend generations.
Reaching common ground can feel tricky when you’re in completely different life stages, at different points in your careers, or, simply existing in different generations. But these hurdles don’t have to be automatic dealbreakers, Susan Winter, author of Older Women, Younger Men: New Options for Love and Romance, tells SELF—especially when you’ve got shared interests (traveling abroad, love for hard rock music) that bring you closer. According to Winter, focusing on your similarities, rather than differences, can help your relationship grow.
2. Approach your differences with curiosity.
On that note…relationship success isn’t about having zero disparities. According to Dr. DeSeta, it’s the willingness to take genuine interest in these differences—and to compromise along the way. “Personally, I would suggest making friends in both age groups,” she advises. You could also try out each other’s hobbies every now and then, whether that’s indulging in their trashy reality shows on Sunday nights or joining them for a quiet afternoon of birdwatching (even if that’s not your usual thing).
While you don’t have to swap your usual support system for a crowd 20 years younger (or older), or suddenly embrace every trend from their generation, Dr. DeSeta says these small efforts go a long way in showing a healthy, genuine desire to connect and deepen your bond.
3. Get on the same page about your nonnegotiables as early as possible.
Some differences are bigger to overcome than others—and like in any romantic relationship, what truly matters is agreeing on the important stuff, Justin Lehmiller, PhD, senior research fellow at The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and host of the Sex and Psychology Podcast, tells SELF.
