A playful rivalry is one thing. But if you’ve got a competitive friend who’s seemingly determined to outshine you or bring you down…that sounds more like a secret hater than a companion.
Of course, not every moment of comparison or jealousy is an immediate red flag, Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, LCPC, a licensed counselor and chair of the department of counseling and higher education at the Northern Illinois University College of Education, tells SELF. “Competitiveness doesn’t always come from a malicious place or a desire to ‘be better,’” Dr. Degges-White says. In certain cases, it’s rooted in personal insecurity rather than ill intentions: “It’s not so much that they want to best their bestie, but more that they’re trying to prove themselves capable.”
No matter what’s driving someone’s competitive streak, however, an exhausting game of “who’s better” has no place in a healthy friendship. Most of us are looking for a support system that lifts us up, not one that treats our wins like a personal threat. The signs of a competitive friend are often subtle, Dr. Degges-White points out, which can make it easy to second-guess whether you’re overthinking…or truly dealing with a frenemy preying on your downfall. Luckily, familiarizing yourself with the red flags below can help.
1. They downplay your successes.
You score a sick new apartment. You get accepted into that competitive program. Any truly supportive pal will be cheering for you when you’re happy, Layne Baker, LMFT, a licensed therapist based in Los Angeles, tells SELF—which is why a person who consistently shrugs off your wins or never lets you have your moment may be intimidated by your good news.
Take an impressive career move, for instance: Instead of congratulating you, a scorekeeping friend might respond with, “Well, it’s just a job.” You’re finally in a healthy relationship? “It’s still early, though.” Basically, “If they’re never mirroring your excitement, or they’re downplaying something that feels like a milestone to you, that’s definitely worth paying attention to,” Baker says, since it may signal that your success makes them uncomfortable or threatened.
2. Their “compliments” always feel passive-aggressive or backhanded.
Competitiveness doesn’t always sound as obvious as “I’m better than you.” Even if a person says they’re happy for you, they might secretly be sizing you up by wrapping their judgment in passive-aggressive “compliments.” For example: “Wow, you’re wearing that to the birthday dinner? I could never be that bold,” or “I mean, he’s really not my type physically…. But good for you.”
When someone doesn’t want to be obvious about their jealousy, Dr. Degges-White says these backhanded jabs can be a sneaky way of keeping you feeling small so you don’t outshine them. A real friend, on the other hand, will hype you up in a way that undoubtedly feels good—without making you wonder whether you’re falling short of their “standards.”
3. They one-up you all the time.
No matter what’s going on in your life, a competitive friend will find a way to turn the spotlight back on themselves. Maybe you tell them you’re training for a marathon, and they’re quick to point out that they already ran one two years ago—and barely even trained. Or you’re venting about how exhausted you are after a long day; well, they worked way more hours than you and got much less sleep because of their demanding job. These annoying responses, Baker says, often stem from a need to dim your light so theirs can shine brighter.
