You’ve probably heard the phrase “victim mentality” tossed around before—it’s a buzzy red flag on TikTok nowadays. Maybe you’ve even used it yourself when that one coworker blames their constant tardiness on irrelevant, never-ending struggles. Or your partner spouts off yet another excuse for why they were too tired to do the dishes.
But while you might have found yourself wondering whether someone else was playing the victim, have you ever turned the question on yourself?
First, what’s a victim mentality, anyway?
Let’s be clear: Being a “victim” (if you even identify with that language) isn’t the same as having a so-called victim mentality—it’s when “you’ve experienced a trauma or betrayal or were wronged in some way that caused psychological or physical damage,” Natalie Moore, LMFT, therapist and owner of Space for Growth Therapy and Coaching in Pasadena, California, tells SELF. ‘Playing the victim,’ on the other hand, “is more of a mindset, when a person repeats narratives where others are at fault for the negative things that happen in their life.” And some might do it for their own benefit, she adds, like to avoid taking responsibility after messing up or to gain sympathy and attention.
If you’re thinking, That’s terrible—I’d never do that, know that a victim mindset can show up without you even realizing it, and it’s not automatically toxic or manipulative. If you’ve experienced setback after setback, you may lose hope and come to believe you have no control over your problems. It’s a psychological concept called learned helplessness, Moore explains, and when that belief takes over, it can lead to unhealthy behaviors that keep you stuck. Unfortunately, those patterns are often easier to spot in others than in ourselves.
While feeling hurt is totally human, living a life where you believe the world is always against you (or assuming you deserve special treatment because of it) can block you from moving forward and taking charge of your life. To distinguish when a lil’ complaining and blaming suggest a more chronic mindset, we asked experts to share the biggest warning signs of a victim mentality—plus, tips on how to pull yourself out.
1. You always have an explanation lined up.
Showed up an hour late to the dinner reservation? Well, it’s not your fault, you promise—it was the traffic, your workload, the newest Apple update messing with the alarm you definitely set. Got caught gossiping behind a pal’s back? Actually, that was taken out of context, you swear, and your friend wouldn’t be so upset if she knew the whole story. Whatever the situation, you might feel wronged, misunderstood, or straight-up unlucky…but others may notice a pattern of offering convenient excuses rather than acknowledging your mistakes.
To be fair, “it can be really uncomfortable to admit when you’ve done something wrong or that you’re to blame,” Amelia Kelley, PhD, LCMHC, owner of Kelley Counseling and Wellness in Cary, North Carolina and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse, tells SELF. For some people, that discomfort is enough to trigger a self-protective instinct to deflect, blame, or jump to rationalizations, Dr. Kelley explains. In more extreme cases, though, this response is more than just a little defensiveness or shame—it becomes a reflexive pattern of avoiding accountability all the time.
2. You tend to see your own hurtful actions as justified.
Look, past trauma and mental health struggles help explain the context behind harmful actions or comments. That said, constantly pointing to them as the reason you mistreat others—and expecting others to just deal—could be a subtle sign of a victim mentality, according to Moore.
