Feeling nervous or overstimulated during what’s supposed to be a “fun” social situation isn’t unusual. Some people are just naturally shy. Others may experience signs of social anxiety—and the tricky part is figuring out the difference.
On the surface, they might not sound all that different—especially if you’re someone who dreads small talk or needs time warming up to new people. Being reserved or introverted are both personality traits that can make group settings draining, but they don’t typically derail your life in the way social anxiety (a mental health condition) can.
The clinical definition of social anxiety disorder is a persistent, overwhelming fear (not just discomfort) of being judged by others—intense enough to interfere with your work, school, or relationships. But there are also more subtle, everyday forms that therapists commonly see and treat. “Not all anxiety is clinical,” Chloe Carmichael, PhD, New York City–based psychologist and author of Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of your Anxiety, tells SELF. And depending on the person, these milder experiences can be just as disruptive, making daily interactions (like meeting new people or speaking up in public) panic-inducing.
Here are a few major ways to tell whether you’re socially anxious (versus shy)—plus expert-approved ways to navigate high-pressure events, parties, and public speaking opportunities.
1. You want to put yourself out there—but feel like you can’t.
Deep down, socially anxious people want to connect, Dr. Carmichael says. They just feel frozen by that fear of being criticized or rejected.
This could look like eyeing a fun, lively group at your college reunion, but stopping yourself from joining in. What if you kill the vibe? Or worse, they secretly make fun of you later? Or you have something important to say during a staff meeting, yet stay silent because you’re afraid of sounding dumb. Even sending a simple text like, “Want to hang out?” to a new friend can be terrifying, because you worry about seeming clingy, awkward, or “too much.”
2. You’re outgoing and talkative…but still feel disconnected from everyone.
Social anxiety doesn’t always look like someone hiding at home all weekend or retreating into the corner of a lively nightclub. Sometimes it lives inside those who are chatty, outgoing, and seemingly at ease in any crowd.
“You can absolutely be a socially anxious extrovert,” Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, a psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders and author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, tells SELF. In these cases, though, that inner turmoil is rooted in a gnawing doubt that maybe, you don’t really belong. Someone who accepts every invite and seemingly thrives in group scenes may still spend the entire evening obsessing over every word they said, or secretly wondering if their friends even wanted them there.
3. You tell yourself to relax, but your body’s not listening.
Often times, the signs of social anxiety tend to show up in the body before your brain can talk you down, Angela Neal-Barnett, PhD, director of the Program for Research on Anxiety Disorders among African Americans (PRADAA) at Kent State University, tells SELF.
