72 Thoughts I Had While Watching ‘Splitsville’

7. Did they just…kill a woman?

8. LA is so full of exactly this kind of Nice, Evolved Man, and somehow they’re never available.

9. Also, I hate them all.

10. Oop, divorce time!

11. So soon after…basically killing someone?

12. I guess it would be more manslaughter.

13. Hold on, let me ask my friend in law school.

14. Yeah, she says it’s manslaughter.

15. Wife has been cheating! The plot thickens.

16. Of course Wife has a podcast.

17. Is Husband just…going to walk home?

18. Seems like it.

19. This actually looks like quite a nice little nature hike, minus the emotional turmoil.

20. It’s Dakota, baby!

21. The bangs are especially bangin’ in this movie, I must say.

22. Wait, did Wife tell Dakota and Dakota’s husband about the divorce before she told Husband? Brutal.

23. Assuming they couldn’t get rights to Fiji, hence calling this fancy water “Fiujji”?

24. Simply love a straight couple in which “he can do what he wants, and I don’t want to know about it.”

25. I mean, go off, if that’s the arrangement for you! It’s just not for me.

26. Dakota really does have good comedic timing.

27. I hate when dads yell.

28. Wow, Dakota can also really wear the hell out of a crop top and low-slung pants.

29. This has been a Dakota appreciation post.

30. Wow, meeting at a Fray concert. Were we ever so young?

31. Wow, Dakota and Husband are hooking up.

32. Not her own husband, to be crystal-clear.

33. Classic adult-balding-man slap fight!

34. Wow, this thing is really going on.

35. Like, are they going to kill each other?

36. I guess that would liven up this movie.

37. Then again, there was a death less than five minutes in, and I fear I’m still somewhat bored.

38. There’s something so satisfying about watching an entire fish tank be shattered on TV (although, obviously, I feel for the fictional fish).

39. God, fish are such unsatisfying pets.

40. Simply adore a white man trying to build a 30-plus-story building in Chinatown. All designated affordable housing, I’m sure!

41. Sorry, why is Dakota doing Husband’s eyebrows?

42. Hey, it’s Wife! Loving life, it appears.

43. You know what, a guy who loves Macklemore…at least he’s honest.