If this is you: It’s worth remembering that conflict isn’t automatically a bad thing—in fact, working through the hard stuff can be a healthy way to deepen your connections. That’s why, if something is genuinely bothering you (maybe a friend’s passive-aggressive comment or your partner’s messiness), it deserves to be brought up.
Of course, learning to express yourself (even if it makes someone else uncomfortable) can be anxiety-inducing. But using “I” statements is an expert-approved tactic for communicating honestly without placing blame or hurting feelings. For example, “I was kind of upset when…,” “I would really appreciate it if…,” or “I need some reassurance on….”
3. You focus on keeping the other person happy.
People-pleasing can look pretty similar to avoiding confrontation—and to be fair, they share a common hatred for conflict and drama. But there’s a subtle difference between the two styles, according to Larry Schooler, PhD, assistant professor of communication studies at the University of Texas at Austin.
“An avoidant style will decline to engage in any sort of meaningful communication about conflict,” Dr. Schooler tells SELF. But for you, it may not be that you fear disagreement and discomfort in general—it’s more that you don’t want to disappoint or upset the other person. Let’s say you bring up your partner’s flirting, and they get extra defensive. Where a more avoidant style might quickly drop the conversation (“Forget I even brought it up, it’s fine”), you might get overly apologetic or say you were wrong only to calm them down. Basically, you’re so focused on prioritizing somebody else (because you care so much!) that you’re unable to find a resolution that benefits both of you, not just them. Over time, these tendencies might keep the peace at the surface, but they often come at the expense of your own needs.
If this is you: Again, disagreeing with someone doesn’t mean they’ll suddenly hate you. So remind yourself that it’s okay to express yourself, Dr. Schooler says, even if it’s hard at first.
Another thing to think about, he adds, is what you’re conceding—and more importantly, why. Are you really okay with your SO texting their ex, or are you only pretending because you’re afraid they’ll break up with you otherwise? Does apologizing for bringing up a genuine issue seem fair, or are you only saying what you think they want to hear? A little self-reflection can teach you to prioritize yourself during moments of contention so you’re not automatically giving in every time.
4. You suppress…until you explode.
At first, you might try to hide any frustration or unhappiness, convincing yourself to keep your mouth shut and pretend everything’s fine. Deep down, however, a suppressor will find their emotions quietly building. “They say nothing, they pacify, they let it go,” Lisa Brateman, LCSW, New York City–based psychotherapist and author of What Are We Really Fighting About?, tells SELF. “Then, all of a sudden, they can’t handle it anymore and just rip.” This outburst—whether it’s snapping in anger or suddenly crying mid-argument—usually catches outsiders off-guard, leaving them wondering why you went from zero to a hundred.
