At the age of 32, after what felt like a lifetime of suffering at the hands of love, I decided it was time to seek professional help—not from a therapist (I’d been in therapy for years), but from a dating coach. I admit I was hesitant at first; while I trusted that traditional therapy could help with my mental health, I worried using a “coach” to reinvigorate my dating life would feel cringey or self-indulgent. (I am a skeptical millennial, after all.) But when a colleague brought up the possibility of seeing someone who specialized in love, sex, and dating, I reconsidered the idea. And spoiler alert: My fears were very wrong.
Turns out, a dating coach can help with a range of love and relationship concerns. For me, that meant working to heal my anxious attachment style, develop my self-worth, and ultimately, find a healthy, happy partnership with another person. Your goals might look different—maybe you’re struggling with commitment, or keep falling for people who aren’t emotionally available—but the beauty of coaching is that it’s tailored to you.
That said, not everyone needs or wants one-on-one coaching to start making meaningful changes. Below, I’m sharing six of the most impactful lessons I picked up on my own journey—the ones that made dating feel less miserable, more intentional, and (dare I say it) even kind of enjoyable.
1. A dating “mantra” can shift your perspective.
It may sound a little woo-woo, but this really changed the game for me early on. “Creating your dating mantra is a powerful way to anchor yourself in your values, your worth, and the kind of relationship you’re available for,” says dating and relationships coach Vicki Pavitt—who, full disclosure, is also my coach. In fact, devising a mantra was one of the very first tasks Pavitt gave me when we started working together. Together, we landed on: “I am available for a safe, kind, passionate, and laughter-filled relationship, with somebody who is trustworthy, honest, loyal, and funny.”
Coming up with your own doesn’t require a coach—you can easily do it on your own to clarify and commit to your dating goals. Try writing it down and sticking it to your mirror, keeping it in your Notes app, or repeating it to yourself whenever you meet someone new. It could sound like, “I will only date people who make a clear effort with me from the beginning,” or “Patience, trust, and loyalty are crucial for me in a relationship, therefore I will never settle for less.”
Before coaching, I knew roughly what kind of person I wanted to meet and how I’d like to feel about myself, but creating a clear statement about what I’m seeking shifted the way I approached dates. If a person did not align with my mantra, they were out. It may sound cut-throat, but it certainly saved a lot of time and potential heartbreak!
2. Getting clear on nonnegotiables (and red flags) is essential.
Perhaps my favorite piece of “homework” my coach gave me—and one I think any person on the dating scene would benefit from trying—was compiling two lists: one about dating nonnegotiables, and the other, red flags.
