Why do toxic people impact us so much?
There are likely a few things going on here. A big one, per Dr. Lee, is that hasslers can cause chronic stress in your life. This sparks chain reaction in your body, causing the release of the stress hormone cortisol which fuels inflammation, he explains.
If you deal with a hassler here and there, it’s likely not a big deal for your health, according to Dr. Lee. But when this is an ongoing thing—meaning, you have a coworker or family member who seems hellbent on making life harder for you—it can lead to what Dr. Lee calls “cumulative biological wear and tear.”
“These ‘hasslers’ are not just stressful; They are associated with measurable acceleration in biological aging at the molecular level, along with higher inflammation, depression, anxiety, and chronic disease burden,” Dr. Lee says. Over time, that can shorten your life, Aaron P. Brinen, PsyD, assistant professor of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences at Vanderbilt University Medical Center, tells SELF.
When hassling is chronic, you start to anticipate the anxiety that will come from these interactions, which makes the stress even worse, Thea Gallagher, PsyD, clinical associate professor of psychology at NYU Langone Health, tells SELF. “Then, you’re bracing for impact and it takes a physical and mental toll,” she says.
The lower impact of spousal hasslers is a little confusing, but Dr. Lee has a theory for this. “Spousal relationships often combine negative and positive exchanges in ways that differ from other close ties,” he says “A spouse who hassles you is also often someone you share daily routines, resources, and emotional intimacy with, which may offset or complicate the effects of conflict.”
On the other hand, hasslers who are family “may create stress that feels deeply embedded and hard to escape, but without the same balancing mix of daily intimacy and mutual investment,” Dr. Lee says. (The study found that hasslers who weren’t family but weren’t spouses, like coworkers or acquaintances had a moderate impact on aging.)
