A lot of us have trained ourselves to expect the worst—not because we want to be pessimists, but because figuring out how to be more positive often feels like an abstract concept, tied to forced, cheery mantras.
It’s not just as simple as refusing to see silver linings. As humans, we’re actually biologically wired to have a negativity bias, Laurie Santos, PhD, professor of psychology at Yale University and host of The Happiness Lab podcast, tells SELF. That means our brains latch onto potential problems and worst-case scenarios more than the good stuff, which also explains why “even when things are objectively going well, our minds still scan for what might go wrong next,” Dr. Santos explains. Add to that the toxic positivity seen in preachy wellness blogs and Instagram infographics—the kind that claims cynicism can be fixed with a “look on the bright side!” attitude—and it’s no wonder that trying to be a more optimistic person sounds like a shallow endeavor.
But just because our brains tend to focus on the bad stuff doesn’t mean we’re doomed to be chronically pessimistic. According to experts, there are still a bunch of helpful ways to be a more hopeful (or at least less negative) person without feeling like you’re forcing it.
1. Just start with being neutral.
“You don’t have to be relentlessly or delusionally cheerful to avoid worst-case scenario thinking,” Dr. Santos points out, since your brain’s smart enough to know when you’re faking it. Just aiming to be neutral is a solid place to start.
Instead of telling yourself, “They must be ghosting me,” for instance, try, “They haven’t responded, and that’s making me anxious. But I can’t really know for sure what’s going on.” Sometimes, learning how to be more positive starts with just being a little less mean and negative.
2. Remove absolutes from your vocabulary.
For obvious reasons, you probably already know that thoughts like “Bad things always happen to me” aren’t doing you any favors. But swinging too far in the other direction (“It’s all going to be fine!!!”) can be just as unrealistic.
“The truth is somewhere in the middle,” Amy Morin, LCSW, author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, tells SELF. In other words, life can be hard, but it can also get better. So “it’s important to recognize the gray area that there’s some good and some bad,” Morin says—and the easiest way to replace black-and-white thinking is to cut absolutes like “always” and “never” altogether. Rephrase “Life never goes my way” to “Ugh, I didn’t get approved for the apartment I wanted.” Or soften “I can’t do anything right” to “I messed up, but it’s just one project.” The more you catch yourself slipping into exaggerated (and unhelpful) generalizations, the easier it becomes to adopt a logical, but also balanced, outlook on life.
3. Run an “If this happens, then what?” scenario.
Unfortunately, bad things can and do happen. You might get dumped by someone you’re falling for, or get rejected for the dream job you were definitely qualified for. But rather than shoving those “what if this goes terribly” thoughts out of your head (which rarely works), Morin recommends answering them with a plan.
